I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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