dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
