Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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