I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
My pussy is not your playground.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
