Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
