my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
