I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
