Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
