You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Randomize
