dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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