You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
