dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
