It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
