god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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