she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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