I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
she peed on how many people?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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