its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
