next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
