It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
