Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
