He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
