scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
