I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
