I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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