Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
