Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Send help, water and tortillas.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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