I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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