Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
