I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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