Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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