I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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