so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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