dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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