I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
My penis needs a shock collar
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
