Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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