I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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