if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
