I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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