i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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