She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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