im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
