I am spending my child support on dildos
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Randomize
