On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
