My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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