she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
