she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
he shaved USA in his pubs
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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