there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
