funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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