ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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