My liver just broke up with me...
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
