I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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