There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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